We all want to go back in time to when face to face milkshake-slurping diner dates with our daughters, or a popcorn-fueled 1990s movie marathon, or any type of time with just you made her eyes light up like she just caught a glimpse of Belle or Cinderella, but now that our little girls aren't so little anymore, may of us have to build up to that level of vulnerability.
When it comes to creating space for your girl to open up to you, kids need to feel absolutely no pressure to do exactly what you want: be vulnerable. I love car rides with my kids because of the conversation. So often, whatever is on their minds or in their hearts seems to flow through them effortlessly.
In my all-time favorite parenting book, The Price of Privilege, Madeline Levine writes, “It is almost always in quiet, unpressured moments that kids reach inside and expose the most delicate parts of their developing selves.”
Car rides are one of the most powerful secret weapons in the Mom/Kid Connection Arsenal! If you really want to connect with your daughter, a seemingly routine car ride is your best friend. The benefits of a car ride together are endless, but here are the top three reasons why you need to hop in the car, sans cell phones, right now.
1. You're Physically Moving Forward. Whether moving forward in life, or on actually the road, this simple downstream motion elevates your energetic state. You both already feel less stuck. Regardless of how the conversation goes, you feel like you're getting somewhere.
2. No Eye Contact Required. Although an important life skill, eye contact is especially overwhelming when teens are struggling with their emotions. When they feel vulnerable, upset, or embarrassed, they are least likely to make eye contact. Both of you looking at while lies ahead is exactly what your girl needs to help her to open up.
2. No Eye Contact Required. Although an important life skill, eye contact is especially overwhelming when teens are struggling with their emotions. When they feel vulnerable, upset, or embarrassed, they are least likely to make eye contact. Both of you looking at while lies ahead is exactly what your girl needs to help her to open up.
3. There's a Clear End. When a conversation at home doesn't go well, and you're both trying to make peace, feel heard, or have the last word, a dinnertime debate can last to bedtime and beyond. In the car, you and your girl know that as soon as the car ride ends, the conversation will, too. Plus, car ride conversations typically don't go south as easily as the ones at home
Now that you know WHY car rides work so well, here are a few ideas to keep in mind the next time you're behind the wheel with your girl at your side:
1. DO NOT tell your daughter about the powerful new weapon. The reason car rides work is because there is no pressure or end game. The organic nature of car conversation, and where it leads, is WHY it works. Giving your co-pilot a job or an agenda will shut her down before you click your seat belt.
2. NO PRESSURE on you! Let's face it; not every car ride is going to result in profound secrets revealed and an invitation to a mother daughter slumber party. Don't feel disappointed if the next few car rides aren't the magical solution you've been seeking.
3. FOLLOW HER LEAD. If the car ride starts with an interrogation from you, you might as well just pull over and let her call her BFF for a ride home. Let her start the conversation and respond with interest and curiosity - NOT what you really think about what she's sharing. If she doesn't open the conversation, pick up on one of the "conversation crumbs" we mentioned, HERE, or, when all else fails, embrace the silence and stop trying.
4. NO ROAD TRIPS...YET. Baby steps, my friend! Remember: play it cool! Start with random, routine car rides with a "prize" in mind. (My kids have never turned down a 30 minute drive if it ends with a drive-through treat.)
Whether it's a drive to school drop off or a trip to the mall, you're now positioned to hold space for vulnerability. As we move forward on our own mothering journeys, we have to remind ourselves, and each other, that with a positive intention and unwavering dedication, eventually something we try is going to give us more traction in the direction of a deeper connection.
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